I have a new demo video for my keynote speaking business! This one does a great job of capturing my energy, humor, and crowd interaction. Check it out:

(If you would like a similar video for your speaking business, drop me a line and I will out you in touch with my Amanda, my video editor)

A Small Favor!

Like most independent business professionals, the lifeblood of my business is word of mouth and referral marketing. Since you just watched my video, I would very much appreciate it if you could take a moment and think about anyone who might like to bring this type of humor, energy, and message to their event…

Since it can be hard to think of exactly who would be a good contact, here are three questions that may help you think of some people who would be a good fit.

• Are you a member of any associations? If so, a conference committee member or board member is a great contact.
• Are you close to anyone (family member, friend, colleague) who belongs to an association or attends conferences?
• Do you know anyone who is a meeting planner, director of communication, VP of Sales/Marketing, or serves on a conference committee at any organization?

If you asnwered “yes” to any of the above, I would appreciate if you would send them to my Motivational Humorist Page so they can see the video and decide for themselves!

Thanks!
Avish

Last night was the second season premiere of that affront to sensibility, MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” If you haven’t seen this show, I highly advise you check it out for two reasons:

1. It is incredibly entertaining to watch other people do, say, and think stupid things.
2. You will feel much, much, much better about your own life, no matter who you are or what’s going on with you.

In honor of the new season, Here’s a link to an article I wrote last year during Season one: Business and Life Lessons from MTV’s “Jersey Shore”

Enjoy!

P.S. If you have noticed a few reposts and short articles recently, that’s because I have had a crazy travel schedule. Things are a bit calmer now, so next week we should return to a regular posting schedule.

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

Just in case you happened to be thinking, “hey, people can’t possibly be that stupid, right?” here’s a story that will set you straight:

NM man set on fire after losing drinking bet

Sure, there’s nothing seemingly funny about a guy being set on fire, until you read the story and discover a few things:

1. He was set on fire because he lost a bar bet…
2. To his friends…
3. Who were the ones to set him on fire…
4. Which he agreed to, since he lost the bet

Then the group had a brief moment of clarity and decided to take their friend to the hospital, but they got nervous en route, so they left him on the side of the Interstate!

What

The

Heck?!

Can you imagine the thought conversation between these people?!?

“Hey guys, I got a great idea!” says Tweetledum. “Let’s play a drinking game where we see who can drink the most beer!”

“That sounds great,” says Tweetledumber. “But if we’re going to have a contest, we need to punish the loser!”

“You’re right,” chimes in Tweetledumbass. “But what would be a good, appropriate, fun, socially conscious way of punishing the loser that would still allow us to, um…you know…live at the end of the night?”

The Tweetles stare at each other blankly, like someone had just suggested they take a business etiquette class.

“I got it!” yells Tweetledum. “We can set the loser on fire!”

“Brilliant!” proclaims Tweetledumber

“Agreed!” chimes in Tweetledumbass “Nothing says ‘good times’ like scorching human flesh!”

Cut to the end of the night, after Tweetledumbass has lost the bet by drinking a paltry six beers…

“Well Tweetledumbass, you lost the bet, so now we have to set you on fire.”

“Ok, a bet’s a bet,” says Tweetledumbass. “And I would much rather be true to my word and honor a ludicrous bet than not be set on fire.”

Wow, what a night. Wait a sec...did we...did I...did we set one of our friends on fire last night...?

“How far to the hospital guys?” asks Tweetledumbass. “I am in a lot of pain from, you know, being set on fire.”

“Not much further,” says Tweetledum.

“Hey,” says Tweetledumber, “do you think we might get in trouble for setting our friend on fire?”

“Oh,” says Tweetledum. “I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe we didn’t think this whole, “set the loser on fire” thing all the way through.”

“Yeah, I don’t think we should go to the hospital. We’ll get in trouble.”

“Ok, where should we take him?”

“Why don’t we leave him on the side of the road? He’s bound to get help at some point.”

“Perfect! Tweetledumbass, we are going to throw you out of the car here. Someone will come along eventually to help you.”

“What?” says Tweetledumbass. “What are you doing? No, no, stop! Stop pulling me out of the car! Aggh! let me back in. Let me back in! Don’t you dare drive off, don’t you…My God, I can’t believe my good friends, the ones who were so kind and lit me on fire, would be so inconsiderate and leave me on the side of the road. Perhaps I was wrong about ’scorching human flesh.”

And so, the wheel of stupidity turns on and on and on and on…

Let’s see what we can learn from these Mensa members…

Lesson 1:

Umm…don’t set yourself on fire…?

Lesson 2:

Yeah…uh…don’t set your friends on fire…?

Lesson 3:

Hmmm…how about, “don’t let your friends set you on fire”…?

Lesson 4:

DON’T BE STUPID

Ok, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you have not wagered to let your friends set you on fire if you drink the least (please let me know if I am incorrect in that assumption – from a safe distance…like 1,000 miles away via email, just to be safe). However, we all do stupid things that get in the way of our own happiness and success. Not all things that hold us back have to involve alcohol, matches, and a 62 IQ. It can be something as simple as saying a thoughtless thing, sending an email you shouldn’t, blowing off an important meeting, or trusting that person you know you shouldn’t.

Life is wrought with enough challenges we to navigate without us doing things to make our lives harder. The next time you are about to do something stupid that will set you back, think back to our New Mexico friends and ask yourself, “would those dunderhead New Mexico pyromaniacs do this?” If the answer is yes, you should really think long and hard about your next step

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

Just for fun…

Here’s a quick video example of what would happen if professional speaker audiences were like World Cup audiences:

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

Have you ever done something really stupid when you were angry? If so, don’t worry; now you can feel better about yourself, because I doubt you have ever done something this stupid.

I came across this story that a) strongly suggests that stupidity is genetically linked and b) is a good example of how easy it is to do something stupid out of anger:

Cops: Siblings brawl over butter in mac and cheese

In a nutshell, a girl “was making macaroni and cheese when her brother asked if she was using butter. That led to an argument over the difference between butter and margarine.” This led to her trying to slice his neck with a serrated spatula.

No, you did not read that wrong: an argument over the difference between butter and margarine led to the girl trying to cut her brothers neck.

With a spatula.

A serrated one.

Dear God, what is the world coming to? Clearly, this is a person who needs to learn a little self control. And perspective. And anger management.

This story is ridiculous on so many levels:

The argument was over the difference between butter and margarine.

Ok, I get that some people can be passionate about some really odd things, and to that I say, “to each their own.” But this may very well be the stupidest basis for assault that I have come across.

Unless you happen to be John Parkay and Jerry Land O’ Lakes (the famous Scottish butter churner) in the 1700’s dueling over some weird “butter vs. margarine” honor issue, there is no way anyone, anywhere, anytime, anyhow could see this kind of debate escalating to physical violence.

Butter, margarine, or miscellaneous?

She tried to cut his neck

Can you think of anything in a debate about butter and margarine that would lead to one person trying to cut the other person’s neck??

For you non-medical types, let me explain: the neck is a sensitive areas with some major arteries running through it. Slice one of those open, and a person bleeds to death. So essentially, she was trying to murder her brother over a margarine debate. Sure, the charge was fourth degree assault, but you, me, and Matlock know that it was really attempted murder.

The article makes it sound like she specifically went for his neck. This is not a case of her picking up a spatula and whacking him with it. Oh no, she grabbed a serrated spatula (more on that in a minute) and went for the jugular. Literally.

She used a serrated spatula

Here was my first thought when I read this article: “What the heck is a serrated spatula?” You non-kitchen gadget experts can relate. If you don’t know what it looks like, I would love to show you a picture. Sadly, there are no license-free serrated spatula images on the entire interweb. I guess the serrated spatula is a copywrite protected object. Maybe I should ask the Pirate Bay for an image.

Spatula. Not serrated.

1. Hacking up unruly omelettes
2. Cutting tomatoes in a pinch
3. Murdering your brother when he disagrees with you about the differences between butter and margarine

What an odd choice of weapon. Notice how, “making macaroni and cheese” was not on my list of “serrated spatula uses.” That means that she didn’t have the spatula in her hand, and rather had to go get it to attack her boyfriend. In a kitchen filled with knives, she went for the serrated spatula.

On the plus side, there is now a 76% chance that we’ll see Jason attack a camper with a serrated spatula in the next Friday the 13th movie, “Friday the 13th XXIII: Jason Goes to Wenatchee.”

Put down the chainsaw and pick up the serrated spatula!

Walk Away!

Just...walk away...(feel free to hear the Incredible Hulk ending music as you do)

So many of our troubles would go away (or get smaller. Or at least not get any bigger) if we could get ourselves to simply walk away. Don’t engage in stupid arguments. Don’t fall for it when someone is baiting you. Realize when you are at an impasse and agree to disagree. Life will be much easier and whole lot less stressful.

(Though I have to say, the visual of one of those two walking away while the other chases them down yelling, “get back here! We are not done discussing the molecular gastronomical differences between butter and margarine yet!” does make me laugh…)

Don’t Blow Things Out of Proportion!

This is not a proportionate response!

So if you are frustrated in an argument about butter, don’t respond with assault. If someone makes a joke about your shirt that hurts your feelings, don’t respond with a joke about his dead mother. And if your boyfriend takes the last Natural Light beer from the fridge without asking, don’t slap him in the face and kick him in the groin (frankly, if you are committing assault over Naturally Light you need to seriously reevaluate your life decisions).

It’s not rocket science people. Don’t blow things out of proportion!

Have a Line!

Know where your line is. And don't cross it!

Here’s my line: I’ll use physical force to defend myself and the people I care about. That’s pretty much it. Why people are so willing to commit assault (and even murder) over things like stupid arguments, misunderstanding, and spilled beer, I’ll never understand.

You should have a line that you know you will only cross in extreme circumstances. There are (or should be) some things you never say, some words you never use, and some actions you never take. Know what your line is, and don’t cross it!

In this story, I do have to give the brother a little credit. In most cases like these the victim would end up retaliating with something even more out of proportion, like shoving his sister’s head into a Juiceman Jr. and enjoying a delicious glass of carrot-kale-apple-person juice. Ah, who am I kidding; people who eat mac and cheese don’t have kale lying around the house…

In case you were wondering, the girl was charged with 4th degree assault, 2nd degree stupidity, 1st degree overreacting, and 1 count of assault with a deadly utensil…

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
- Abraham Lincoln

A friend relayed a story to me about a time she was picking up some medicine at the pharmacy. While she was waiting, another man arrived and tried to pick up his medication too. It seems that his medicine was supposed to be ready an hour ago, but they still didn’t have it. This made the guy upset.

How did he choose to express his anger? Did he point out the bad customer service? Did he explain how vital the medicine was to his health? Nope. Instead, he said this:

“Don’t you know who I am? I am a doctor! I am very important!”

Wow. I am surprised he didn’t follow that up with “I drive a Dodge Stratus!”

Here’s today’s quick lesson: if you have to say “I am very important,” chances are you aren’t…

P.S. If you don’t get the “Dodge Stratus” watch this disturbingly hilarious SNL sketch.

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

Maybe not, but still entertaining…

I came across this article today:

The 7 Stupidest Employee Mistakes Ever

I’ll be honest – calling these the 7 stupidest employee mistakes ever is quite an exaggeration. I mean, sure, everything everyone in the article did is stupid, but stupidest ever? Hardly. Heck, one woman didn’t even get fired, she just got transferred. I’m sure we could easily find examples of much stupider behavior without a whole lot of trying (feel free to supply your own in the comments!)

But it’s still entertaining to read about other people’s stupidity, and we can learn a few quick lessons from their mistakes:

Don’t Document Your Malfeasance

Writing a 300 page document about how you’re not working? On your work computer?? Dumb, dumb, dumb. I’m all for the power of Morning Pages and journaling, but not on the computer at work.

Don’t Broadcast Your Malfeasance

Not that I advocate skipping out of work or trying to pull one over on your employer, but for the love of God if you are going to do that, don’t send out Twitter updates about or post Facebook pics of you skipping out on work. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I am all for firing these people, not because they lied about missing work, but because I wouldn’t want someone stupid enough to post photographic evidence of their malfeasance on-line…

Don’t Sleep On The Job

Port authority guards sleeping on the job?? Dumb, dumb, dumb. Good to know our borders are so secure.

Don’t Break The Law

Selling senate seats?? Faking Pulitzer Prizes?? Dumb, dumb, dumb. If this one needs to be explained to you, you don’t deserve a job…

Think And Double Check Before You Hit “Send”

I just wrote a post about this (Twitter Stupidity Can Get You Arrested ). Dumb, dumb, dumb. I’d like to believe that someday people will get smart enough to think twice (and double check their recipient list) before sending something offensive, sensitive, or inflammatory. I’d like to believe that, but I ain’t holding my breath…

Are these the “stupidest mistakes ever”? No. But are they still very stupid mistakes that you should make sure to avoid? Without a doubt…

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

Here is a short clip from one of my keynote speeches. In this segment, I talk about how sometimes it can be hard to have fun because we all have our “buttons” that get puched that we let make us angry. Then I make fun of stupid people. This is an example of one of the more “stand-up” comedy type stuff I’ll use from time to time in my motivational speeches.

Enjoy!

If you liked this clip, please pass it along to anyone you know who would also enjoy it!

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

Think it’s easy to come up with an inspiring motivational speech that captures an audience’s attention while conveying a message in a unique way? Maybe it’s not…

I came across this video today, of a guy attempting to motivate us to do something we feel is too difficult. He does this by breaking a board over his head. Or at least, that was the plan…

Take a look:

Motivational Speech Board Break Fail – Watch more Funny Videos

Wow. Just…wow…

My favorite part is near the end where he appears to have a fit and ridiculously keeps whacking himself in the head with the board.

The first question you must have, is why on earth would you post this?? He seems a little young, so I supposed he’s never heard of the movie making concept of “Take 2.” Perhaps someone should share this idea with him…

His intention was to inspire us and to teach us that we can do anything if we

1. Believe In Yourself
2. Formulate a Plan of Action
3. Follow Through With It

Um, I didn’t walk away from this believing in those lessons. Here are a few things I did learn from it:

Sometimes It Is External Factors

He makes a big point at the beginning about how if you fail, it’s all your fault, and you shouldn’t blame external factors. Well, sometimes it is the external factors.

His primary issue was that plywood is tough to break, especially when it’s that flexible. If he had a 4-inch thick piece of reinforced oak, I doubt anyone would say, “it’s all your fault, you didn’t believe in yourself, don’t blame external factors.”

The better lesson is that sometimes original plan will fail. Rather than wallowing in shame or self-guilt, reevaluate both your effort and the plan and the external factors, and then decide how to proceed.

Practice and Preparation Matter!

Did anybody else get the sense that this was the first time this guy attempted to break a board over his head? Wouldn’t a dry run have made some sense??

I’ve trained in and taught martial arts for a long time. At tests, we have students break wood. Almost all of them are smart enough to try their break once or twice in the weeks leading up to the test (especially those who have never broken before).

As someone who teaches, speaks on, and has performed improv comedy for 18+ years, people are sometimes surprised to learn that I will practice material and go over my speeches before presenting. “Why not just improvise?” they say. Why? Because I am smart enough to know that a little practice and prep go a long way (for written stuff – my improv is obviously always improvised…)

Persistence Counts

I suppose we have to give the guy some credit…after 2 boards and 742 whacks against his head, he finally broke through. It just goes to show that if you keep at it long enough, even a stupid plan can get you results.

Not sure what this guy’s deal is, but wow, if he’s going for “motivational speaker” he’s got a long way to go – unless he’s a motivational humorist, and he’s doing some kind of meta-humor tinged with irony. In which case he is some kind of Andy Kauffman-esque comic genius. Hmm, I have over 20 years of martial arts experience…maybe I could steal this guys routine and open my speech by failing to break a board with my head ten or twenty times. Hmm…

Here’s your quick Motivational Smart Ass takeaway lessons for today:

1. Don’t do stupid things
2. If you do stupid things, don’t record them
3. If you do record them, don’t upload them for the world to see

Now was that so hard…?

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Want help writing your motivational or humorous speech? Then check out Avish’s Virtual Humor Coaching program page now!
 

I was at a meeting earlier this week and a friend of mine was on the “expert panel.” At one point he says, “I was giving a speech at my brother-in-law’s wedding…”

I happened to be sitting next to his brother-in-law at this moment. I turn to him and say, “interesting that he says he was at his brother-in-law’s wedding and not his SISTER’S wedding.”

It’s amazing how quickly loyalties can change. His sister, who he’s known for 34 years, gets kicked to the curb for his brother-in-law, who he’s known for 2. I wonder if at his parents’ anniversary he will toast, “to my brother-in-law’s niece’s grandparents – cheers!”

Well done, friend. Well done.

No lesson here. This story just tickled me pink.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go write an email to my friend’s sister letting her know about her familial hierarchical displacement.

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!